4 things about mothering twins while your partner is deployed

Parenting is ridiculously tough and that’s an understatement. Multiply that by two when parenting twins. Multiply that by three, or perhaps 50, when parenting tiny twins by yourself.

Four weeks after the birth of our twins, my partner told me that he was being deployed for 11 months. I think I took the news pretty well, all things considered. I calmly walked upstairs and cried in the quiet of our bedroom. And when I say cried, I mean  sobbed.

Initially, I didn’t realize that my partner’s deployment was going to be the beginning of one of the most difficult and rewarding adventures of my life. Constructing a new identity while working through the early milestones of motherhood has required me to become my own pillar of strength and resilience. It has deepened my resolve, my ability to empathize and my belief in myself. Above all else, it has allowed me to share precious, intimate moments with my daughters.

It is my hope that in being transparent about some of my struggles while raising twins during deployment, I can validate and bring comfort to others in a similar position. You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed and unsure of your abilities. I don’t always know what I’m doing, but I do know that I am doing my best as a new twin mom. Here are a few things I’ve struggled with while parenting twins solo.

When asking for help isn’t helpful

“Ask for help.” How many times have you read or heard those words? Everyone everywhere encourages you to ask for help, whether it be for tidying the house or tending to the little ones so you can rest. While it is true that asking for help is extremely valuable, it can be disheartening to frequently receive that advice when help isn’t readily available.

Do get help if you can, but for those who have only a few helpers to rely on, and a few who continually let us down, the recommendation to ask for help can feel isolating and disappointing—not to mention, annoying. Losing the companionship of your deployed partner is hard enough. Missing out on “the village” that everyone claims you should rely on can make it  harder.

When resentment and guilt appear

While my partner has been gone, I’ve missed a wedding and the birth of a baby. I haven’t been readily available for my best friend as she goes through breast cancer treatment. I’ve been unable to pick up extra shifts at work, thereby limiting my ability to engage in a beloved method of decompression: retail therapy. I’ve made several sacrifices in order to support my partner’s military career.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m proud of his commitment to our country. His deployment doesn’t warrant the resentment that creeps up in my moments of exhaustion, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. The guilt that accompanies resentment is even more difficult to digest. We owe it to ourselves as military spouses to acknowledge the difficult feelings that we encounter without shame.

When self-care seems impractical

New moms are encouraged to prioritize self-care. Some even say it is a requirement of motherhood. We’re told that without it, we may go crazy and we most certainly won’t be emotionally available for our children. While I agree that self-care is necessary and impactful, it is not easily attainable by those who have twins to raise on their own. Where can you find time for yourself when the day is already filled with demands that only you can fulfill? Taking a moment to breathe may be feasible, but taking hundreds of moments to attend to oneself can seem far-fetched when mothering solo.

Then, there’s the envy that follows. Feeling envious of single-child moms and moms who have their co-parent by their side is a natural side effect of deployment with twins. We envy others’ ability to care for their physical and mental health during a time when it is critical.

Embrace the chaos

So what do you do with these struggles? Embrace them, even if half-heartedly.

Pack the babies up and take them with you to the bookstore. Set aside a moment each morning to jot down a few things you’re grateful for. Enjoy a hot shower with a lighthearted audiobook during nap time. Watch a scary movie and fold that heaping pile of laundry in your comfiest pajamas. Make yourself a hazelnut mocha and stare out your window instead of scrubbing the house spotless. Put your headphones on and dance around the house to some mildly inappropriate hip-hop. Or Christian music, if that’s your preference.

Ultimately, take time each day to do one thing for yourself, even with children in tow. Make simple changes that allow you a moment of peace while checking things off of your list. Sometimes all we can manage are small things that bring us joy. Oftentimes, that’s enough to get us through.

Deployment won’t last forever. In the interim, bask in the glory of your strength as a twin mother and be grateful for the milestones that you have the privilege of being present for. Just like deployment, this precious time with your children will pass. Focus on that and the struggles won’t feel so heavy.