The worst part of being a parent that no one tells you about

I had just given birth to my son, my first baby, a few hours prior and my husband was fast asleep a few feet away. The surgical mask he wore while I was in labor was strategically placed over his eyes as a make-shift sleep mask. He was sleeping and seemed so carefree in that moment as if our whole world hadn’t just been turned upside down and inside out.  

Meanwhile, I was laying in the hospital bed staring down at my son. I listened to the faint sound of his breathing and watched his tiny chest moving up and down. An overwhelming and unfamiliar feeling washed over me: I was responsible for this baby. I was responsible for his life. I was responsible for the person he would become. How could I keep him safe forever?

I didn’t sleep that night. I felt panicked. I felt scared. I also felt an instinctual need to always keep him out of harm’s way, both physically and emotionally. The love I felt for him was stronger than anything I could have ever imagined and we had only just met.

Like many new mothers, I realized quickly, “I love this little person so much, but I will never be able to protect them from everything in this harsh world.” This realization might not hit you until their first shot at the doctor’s office; it might not hit you until their first scraped knee; it might not hit you until their first broken heart, their first fight with a best friend, or their first rejection from their dream job. Sooner or later though, it will hit you and I don’t think that it ever gets easier. I imagine it still stings long after your once-small baby is a walking, talking, functioning adult in society.

The worst part about having kids is the gut wrenching realization that a piece of your heart and soul now lives as a person outside of your body.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that the worst part about having kids isn’t the mess or the noise or the lack of sleep. It’s not the never-ending cleaning or the overstimulation or the marker on your new console table.

The worst part about having kids is the gut wrenching realization that a piece of your heart and soul now lives as a person outside of your body. A person that you love so deeply and unconditionally that it takes your breath away if you think about it for too long. It’s the realization that you can’t protect them from all pain, shield them from all negative experiences or hide them from all bad people. The utter vulnerability of being a parent is something you can’t understand until you’ve experienced it. 

The love you feel for your children is beautiful and unique. It is fierce and it is overwhelming. To know and feel a love as great as the love for your child is an invaluable gift. Although it may be heavy to carry, it is worth its weight in gold.

And I will let you in on a little secret: Behind every scraped knee and every broken heart there is you. You are the one who picks up the pieces and puts them back together again. You are beside them to teach them what it means to be resilient. You are the one to show them how to get up when they’ve fallen and You are there to help them find the courage to start all over again.

Yes, there are sad, scary and frustrating moments of being a parent, but then there is the magic. There’s the high you feel at the sound of your baby’s first chuckle, the unexplainable giddiness when they take their first steps towards your open arms, the excitement as you watch your child hit their first home run, the pride as they walk across stage to receive their college diploma and the absolute, unmistakable, pure joy as you watch them over the years become the person they were always meant to be. There is true magic in the moments where you wish you could freeze time and stay there forever.

The worst part about being a parent is simultaneously the best part. To be familiar with this kind of love is risky. Yet, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.