Home / Life / Motherly Stories My introverted child doesn’t need to be ‘fixed’ fizkes/Shutterstock Why do we think children have to be social to be happy? By Julie Calidonio September 26, 2022 fizkes/Shutterstock Rectangle Even with two younger siblings and a very large extended family, my oldest son has always preferred solitude and been an introverted child. When our house fills on Thanksgiving with cousins and relatives, heâll find a quiet corner to read. On rainy days, heâll play with his brother and sister but inevitably end up in his room away from their chaos. I worried about his gravitational pull to being by himself, his penchant for not interacting with his peers in social settings. In preschool, he became friends with one little boy, so I worried less. But once elementary school hit, he struggled to make friends. A few times he came home talking about a new friend, but it never manifested into any long-term friendships like I had experienced as a child. At his most recent well visit, I addressed my concerns with his pediatrician. Because it was a 12-year-old visit, they had my son complete a mental health check that was just between the doctor and him. My son completed his form while I turned my back. I looked over my shoulder and he pulled the form to his chest. âI just was checking if you were done. I wasnât trying to peek. You are entitled to privacy,â I said. He nodded his head, his face aging into adolescence before me. But the truth is I did wonder what he wrote. Without knowing whatâs happening at school once he leaves my car and with so many incidents of bullying present on social media, I wanted to make sure he was OK. I didnât want him to be facing a problem alone. I didnât want to turn a blind eye if something more was going on. Related: Iâm an antisocial mom raising a social kid Itâs my job to protect him. I even had the guidance counselor check in with him, but she found nothing alarming. He told her he had a few friends at school but no interest in talking to those kids out of school because he had his siblings to play with and he did movie night and walks after dinner with his family. He said his family was all he needed. The counselor said my son was simply an introverted child, and she had no concerns that something serious was going on. But still I worried. When the doctor came in the room, he reviewed the form and then completed the exam, informing me my son was healthy. I smiled, but wrote a question on a sheet of paper and slipped it to the doctor. âHe has no friends. Should I be worried?â I asked, my posture slouched, my eyes wide. Because the doctor had read my sonâs mental health formâsomething I had not seenâin that moment, he knew more about my son than I did. âYou canât put your personality on him. Just because you are outgoing doesnât mean he has to be. Thereâs nothing wrong with being introverted.â He shrugged and narrowed his eyes. I underlined the word ânoâ three times to indicate my level of concern. âDoes he seem concerned about it?â he asked, while removing his glasses and letting them hang from his neck. âNot really,â I said. âHe seems happy and well-adjusted. Iâm not concerned,â he whispered as my son played a video game. I exhaled in relief. âYou canât put your personality on him. Just because you are outgoing doesnât mean he has to be. Thereâs nothing wrong with being introverted.â Initially I scoffed at being characterized as an extrovert, even though I am, but I sat back and digested the words. Why do we think children have to be social to be happy? Related: How to parent an introvert Introverts tend to enjoy time alone, prefer quality time with a few people, and find spending time with too many people emotionally draining. Extroverts tend to thrive in social settings and get energized by the company of other people. My son interacts normally with his cousins and siblings but after a couple of hours wants to be by himself to recharge. He prefers reading to building relationships with strangers. The counselor said he was fine. His doctor didnât have concerns, even after reading his mental health assessment. Why do I feel he needs to be âfixedâ because he doesnât want to make close friends? Part of it stems from the close friendships I made young, which I still maintain. I want him to have that kinship and connection you build with friends through adolescence and puberty. There will be things he could say to a friend that he wouldnât feel comfortable saying to his family. But ultimately, as pointed out by the counselor and pediatrician, as long as heâs happy thatâs all that matters. I shouldnât define his happiness based on what made my childhood happy. Heâs a unique being entitled to define the relationships heâll prioritize in lifeâ and if that happens to mean he stays closer to me and my husband and the family weâve created, who am I to argue? Related: 4 ways to help your child be a good friend As parents we worry when we think our children are being shunned or bullied. And itâs important to be mindful and to check in on your children to make sure their social isolation is by choice. But the reality is some children prefer their own company, and thatâs okay. My sonâs not broken. Being an introverted child isnât something I need to fix. Itâs something I need to respect. The latest Child Learn & Play A love letter to children’s books Child Learn & Play Here’s how to help kids find their ’emotional courage’ Child Learn & Play Finally! This chic, kid-friendly routine builder helped reduce my familyâs daily friction News Picky eating in kids is mostly due to genetics, study says