I waited for you

For almost four years, I waited for you.
You were just a dream at the beginning. Something I hoped for endlessly.

She asked me when she would have a sibling. I told her I didn’t know.
She was sad. I felt the same way.

So many months spent trying. 
Each month we would calculate, medicate, estimate.
Some days it all felt like too much. Too much for one person to bear.
I didn’t know what would happen. I wanted to know.
So many moments I needed to know.

Would we ever have another? What if it never happened?

Countless surgeries and procedures.

Then the losses came. Four in a row. It felt like it was never ending.
The cycle of trying and losing. Trial and error. 
Every time just before the window was closed to be in the “safe” zone.
It would fail. Another loss. After another. After another.

My endocrinologist said we could try one more time. 
It felt like a million tries would never be enough.
So much pressure to perform. To try to get pregnant and stay pregnant. 
More than one person should have to feel at once.

I remember the last one. The one before you.
On the bathroom floor crying. Feeling empty yet not finished.
Somehow despite the loss I felt torn.
Between the brokenness and the hopeful heart.
Despite all that, I still wanted you. I still hoped for you.
I waited so long.

For almost four years, I waited for you.
I waited for those words that said it was “viable.”
And then, just like that. You were there. 
Your heart was beating so strong.
You were safe. You were sound.
My belly was the place you would grow and thrive.

Here you are. Four years later. Four years old.
I am grateful. Every day. I waited for you.