My son has autism: Here are 5 things you can do to help families like ours thrive

When I think back to the most stressful part of our autism journey, misunderstandings with those we were close to ranks pretty high. I remember a lot of pressure to attend family events, but having a knot in my stomach the entire time because even as a baby, I could tell these experiences were too hard for my son. Someone might laugh and it was too loud for him and he would cry. If it was a large gathering, he became overstimulated. 

At the time, I didn’t yet have a diagnosis at this time, but felt something in my mama intuition. I often felt like people got upset with us, or didn’t understand our choices. If I could go back and change anything about the beginning of our autism journey, I wish people hadn’t been so hard on us. I wish there had been more grace and space for us to navigate our path. In fact, all I ever really wanted to hear was, “Take your time. We love you. We love him. Do what’s easiest for your family.” 

I believe that people are inherently good, and any missteps when dealing with autism come from people with good intentions just not sure what to do or say. If you’re not sure what to say, do or even how to interact with a family or child with autism, here are some tips, from a mama of an autistic child. 

Related: I’m the mom of a child with autism. Here are 3 things I want people to know

5 ways to help families with autism thrive

1. Have understanding for what you haven’t experienced

It might seem strange that we skip large family events or turn down invitations to play dates. We don’t mean to be antisocial—it’s simply that sometimes our son can’t handle certain situations. Places might be too noisy, too busy and too much for him. You may not have experienced this with your own children, but have empathy. Pressure or guilt only pushes us away. 

2. Ask 

If you are curious about something, it’s OK to call and ask. Maybe you noticed my little boy covering his ears and you were wondering why. Perhaps you really want to see us and make a plan—you could ask what we would prefer. For example, my little boy struggled at large parties, but he did much better outside at parks. 

Related: 1 in 36 kids in the U.S. are diagnosed with autism, CDC says

3. Let us know you love our child

It’s very hard to feel that your child is different or seeing them try to thrive in a world that wasn’t built for them. My best girlfriends always let me know how much they loved my son and their unwavering love made me more comfortable to take risks around them. For instance, having friends who expressed their love and understanding over to our house to play didn’t make me nervous because I knew they would be gentle with my son and understanding. 

4. Be mindful with the comments 

This one is tricky because I know that often people just don’t know what to say. For example, my son was in a therapy called Therapeutic Listening, which involved wearing large headphones for a period of each day. I remember an older neighbor commenting, “Must be nice to be that spoiled with those fancy headphones.” It hurt. While to our neighbor, it was an innocent comment, but to us, it felt like much more. All I could think about was how hard it was to implement those headphones and how much my son had to overcome to use them. 

Related: My son’s autism diagnosis drove me to denial and grief—but it made me a better mother

5. Be patient: With us and with our child 

We weren’t given a handbook at birth and my family’s specific situation didn’t come with directions. We love him so much and at the root of everything we do, our entire family is trying so hard for him. If we decline invites, miss events or do not parent as you did or you would, please extend us understanding and patience. Parents like us are trying our best. Sometimes, it feels like we are under the microscope. Be patient and gentle with us as we navigate a new life we weren’t prepared for. 

Oftentimes it’s little moments that leave the deepest impressions on people during a vulnerable time. I remember my son’s godmother being so reassuring that anything he did or said was ok. It was ok if he was quiet and ok if he wanted to play with her kids. This safe space became a safe haven for my whole family and allowed him the space to grow and thrive. The places I felt the most comfortable were places where I felt my son could simply be accepted as himself and not need to change his behavior to fit a certain mold or box. The best thing you can do for those you love is accept them just as they are and love them just as they are—with or without an autism diagnosis. 

A version of this post was published April 21, 2023. It has been updated.