I’m going to miss being pregnant

Today, as I walked back home from my OB appointment with my giant pregnant belly smiling back at everyone who smiled at me, it suddenly hit me: I’m going to miss being pregnant. Like, a lot.

This is my last pregnancy. We were surprised with spontaneous twins this time around and three kids are all we can handle financially (and mentally) given we have no family around us to help. As my due date inches closer day by day, I feel myself growing more and more attached to my belly.

My first pregnancy was easy, but I was also a nervous first-time mom and I didn’t enjoy the process as much as I do now. I was filled with fears and doubts, everything was unknown and slightly terrifying. I found myself constantly Googling, “Is it normal for ‘fill-in-the-blank’ during pregnancy?” because I was absolutely clueless.

This time around, though, things haven’t been as easy. I’ve had terrible nausea that left me crying on the couch for days, every part of my body hurts as my belly gets bigger and the heartburn is just a lot to handle. Despite all of that, I know what’s coming and I’m trying to make the best out of every single up and down.

I’m going to miss Baby A kicking Baby B and their little dance of movements commencing in my belly.

I’m going to miss soaking in a tub full of Epsom salts trying to make my bones hurt less.

I’m going to miss my toddler tapping my belly and saying “hello baby sisters” every time he has a chance.

I’m going to miss massaging oils into my stretched out skin every night, a way of pampering myself but also them.

I’m going to miss the waddle that makes me look like a penguin every time I walk somewhere.

I’m going to miss the weird cravings and the middle of the night snacks.

I’m going to miss playing “was that pee or did my water break?” starting on day one of the third trimester.

I’m going to miss the anticipation of every ultrasound, that chance to see a tiny glimpse of their lives inside my own body.

I’m going to miss the faces of people who ask “boy or girl?” and receive a shocking “two girls” in response. Their eyes pop out and their mouths gape wide open every single time.

I’m even going to miss the really intrusive questions like, “Was it IVF?” or, “How will you tell them apart?” because it gives me a chance to educate others a little more about the fascinating world of twins, one that I was randomly chosen to be a part of but I can’t imagine having any other way.

I’m going to miss creating life the most. Even as a second-time mom obsessed with science and facts, my mind is still blown knowing my body can not only create one human but two… at the same time!

And before you think I’m all sunshine and roses because you too have been pregnant and know it’s not at all a walk in the park, no I will not miss the gas pains that leave me out of breath on the floor. I won’t ever miss the heartburn after eating half a cracker or the fact that my feet and fingers have doubled in size and sometimes breathing is the hardest thing for me to do.

Yet, despite all of that, I’m going to miss being pregnant.

Sure, I want to meet my babies and get to know them outside of the womb. There’s plenty of adventures ahead of us. But they won’t be just my little partners in crime, going everywhere I go and agreeing to everything I do. As much as I want my husband to hold his baby girls for the first time—and just writing that brings tears to my eyes—I also want to keep them warm and cozy sleeping to the beat of my heart.

It’s weird. I never wanted kids and now here I am mourning a pregnancy that hasn’t yet come to an end. That’s how wild and transformative becoming a mother is.

I still have 10 or so more weeks to go and I will spend them enjoying every single second of this pregnancy. I’ll make a point to document it all so I don’t forget how this all felt once it’s a tiny memory while I chase after three toddlers.

And I will forever be thankful to my body for giving me three of the best people in my life.