To my daughters: Thank you for making me your mama

Dear firstborn,

You made me a mom almost three years ago. You were constantly moving in my belly. It was reassuring to feel those kicks and flips. Being pregnant with you was easy and I loved (almost) every second of it. You were almost two weeks late and made your arrival via caesarean section after a long unsuccessful induction. I was terrified to take care of you. Looking back, I think I cried for most of my hospital stay with you. But, I had fallen in love with you immediately. You loved when I held you and when I nursed you. I took your picture thousands of times. I couldn’t get enough of you! Everything you did was exciting and new. I wrote down the details in your baby book and was determined to properly document your childhood. I always knew the answer when someone asked how old you were—in weeks or months. I didn’t even have to think about it. I knew everything about you. We spent every single day together. I frequently felt as though I had no idea what I was doing. Everything was new and scary. I felt like a failure most of the time. I needed help with breastfeeding, helping you sleep and let’s not discuss how long it would take to leave the house. A trip to the grocery store took three times longer than it used to. We learned you’d be a big sister a few months before you turned two. You came with me to every prenatal appointment. You loved to hear your baby sister’s heartbeat, but you were even more excited to watch the nurse take my blood pressure. We spent that last summer together having fun and making memories. Even when I was tired, I did my best to put your need for adventure first. You spent two special days with Grandma and Grandpa. Then Dad and I came home with your sister. We had a few bumps in the beginning. It seemed as though one of us was always crying. I was sure I had ruined your life and felt guilty for a long time. But we got through it. And now you love helping me take care of baby. I love seeing you two interact more and more. I’m sure that one day you will be very close friends. You are a loving big sister and she will look up to you as you both grow older. You were my first baby and I will always love you. Please don’t ever think that you weren’t enough. Love, Mom

Dear second born,

You make our family complete. I prayed for you for a long time and now you’re here with us. Your dad and I were very nervous when we found out you were in my belly. But we were only worried about things like having space in our house and money planning. There was no question that we loved you to pieces from day one. Being pregnant with you was not easy. I dealt with sickness in the beginning and was constantly exhausted and emotional. I was taking care of your sister too, which meant there was little time to rest. She wanted to play all the time! You arrived only two days late. Unlike your sister, you were born vaginally, and I’m grateful your birth went as “planned.” I had hoped for a faster recovery since now I had two little girls to care for. But even with the quicker recovery, we had our share of problems. You weren’t too interested in breastfeeding and it took quite a while for you to sleep longer than 30 minutes at a time. But you were healthy and beautiful and ours. You immediately loved your older sister. She needed a little extra time to get used to sharing me. But your relationship is completely different than it was a few weeks ago. She is so excited to watch you do things: roll over, smile, laugh, eat and sleep. She is your biggest cheerleader. And you light up when she makes eye contact with you! That is pure love. I may not keep track of everything in your baby book and I may not take thousands of pictures of you. But I love you and I’m doing my best. I learned so much from taking care of your sister and now that I have more experience I’m a more confident mom. I still have no idea what I’m doing, since every baby is different. But we’ll be ok. You’ve had to grow up faster than your sister. We didn’t have time to lay in bed, snuggle and nurse all day long. I’ve had to balance the needs of both of you which means we snuggle on-the-go and nurse late into the night. You’ve had a more adventurous infancy than your sister, that’s for sure. Having you in our family makes me happy. Growing up with three sisters of my own wasn’t always fun but now I cherish our friendships. A sister’s bond is unlike anything else. You will forever be my baby. Love, Mom

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