Home / Life Breast, bottle and battles with myself about feeding my babies I was blessed either which way. By keisha-boutilier November 18, 2016 Rectangle I started getting asked the question nearly immediately after finding out I was pregnant, “Will you be breastfeeding?” I felt so unsure of how to answer. In fact, I left this question unanswered for a long time. I guess what I feared the most was—What if I failed? What if I said I was going to do something—but I couldn’t follow through? I felt uncertain, unprepared and unknowing of what breastfeeding would require of me emotionally and physically. Birth arrived anyway. On September 13th at 9:15pm a nurse came to my face mid-pushing out our son and asked that question ‘Will you be breastfeeding?’ I blurted out ‘YESSS.” It felt like the right thing to say. Our son Owen was born. Time to latch and feed. From that first night it was hard. I seemed to not be producing any milk and my son had trouble latching properly. We went through this for two weeks. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I was burnt out on breastfeeding. On the day I came home, Drew fed him with formula and Owen slept for 3 hours straight. My body caved. My head caved. My heart caved. I gave up. My worst fear came to life. That was the longest he slept since he was born and I realized that I just couldn’t provide what he needed to stay full and content. From that moment on he was a happy, formula fed baby. I was fine with this decision. But as years went on, the guilt started to build up. Did I give up too soon? Exhaust all my resources? Did I do the best by my son? I became pregnant with my daughter Ella at six years later. From the moment I was asked ‘Will you be breastfeeding?’ I said ‘yes’ with a new determination not to give up. I was going to make this work. I suffered through the constant pain. Nipples cracking, dehydration, around the clock leaking, exhaustion, the sleep deprivation. But I did it. I was exhausted and overjoyed at the same time. I never felt this happy feeling while breastfeeding a baby. I never felt so empowered as a mom. My heart feels full knowing that no matter how I fed or what I fed my littles they were happy, healthy and content. Even though I missed out on that with Owen, knowing that, each time I breastfed Ellam I made him our companion. Every time we sat for a feeding he would cuddle up close—kiss her cheek, stare into her eyes and just be at peace with us. In the end, I did get to experience all of what I thought I’d missed. Best of all was what I learned by having these two different baby feeding experiences: I was blessed either which way. All of my struggle, fear, guilt and thought of failure was nothing compared to what I had in my arms. My babies. The latest Life 7 months pregnant on the campaign trail: How motherhood has changed the way I view politics Style Zooey Deschanel’s tips on how to get holiday party-ready (without putting your finger through your tights while your kids are yelling for dinner) Motherly Stories What is the ‘gratitude trap’? How gratitude can keep us stuck Getting Pregnant What to know about using supplements for fertility—and when to start taking them in preconception