What if we saw sex as self-care?

On a recent organizing bender, I decided to tackle my nightstand drawer. It had become stuffed to the brim with a tangle of cords, sleep accessories, oils, and curiously-shaped silicone. 

As I began to paw through the contents and set things into piles, I can only describe the scene as a veritable clown car of vibrators. And because I’d rather paint a picture of myself as a sexually empowered and pleasure-seeking woman than a complete and total mess, let me explain. 

I’ve not always been this way. I didn’t even own a sex toy of any kind until my late thirties. It’s not that I had any hang ups about them, I just didn’t even think about it. I’d become a mom for the first time at 23 and had my second six years later. Sex in any form wasn’t really at the top of my priority list for years. Between being pregnant, exhausted and touched out, along with breastfeeding both well into toddlerhood, sex felt like just another obligation. And I’m far from alone here. According to Motherly’s 2024 State of Motherhood survey, 60% of moms are having sex twice a month or less. (Surprisingly, 59% say that one to two times per week would be ideal.) Moreover, 35% of respondents report they’re neither satisfied nor dissatisfied with their sex life. In a word? Sex is “meh.”

Understandably so. After all, the demands of motherhood aren’t exactly aphrodisiacs. But what if we reframed sex and orgasming as the ultimate act of self-care? 

“[My sex life] could be better. It’s always been a struggle due to low libido on my part, but it’s only gotten more difficult since we became parents.” – Megan M.

Over the past several years, self-care has become the go-to prescription for motherhood burnout. And while a bubble bath and glass of rosé in the tub or an afternoon at the nail salon can be great and all, none of those things stand to benefit your overall health and wellbeing as much as getting off–with or without a partner. 

To start, let’s just agree that “sex” has a wide-ranging menu of offerings and having an orgasm isn’t a requirement for pleasurable sex. But knowing your body is integral to both.

“It’s important to nourish a relationship with yourself and one way to do it is to experiment and learn how to self-pleasure and have an orgasm. Understanding and respecting your body’s needs is necessary in order to have healthy confidence which can then reflect on a relationship with a partner and have more confidence in communicating your sexual desires,” says Rebecca Alvarez Story, Sexologist & CEO and Co-founder of sexual wellness brand Bloomi.

The surprising benefits of orgasm

“Regardless of the type of orgasm, the benefits are similar: there is a surge of feel-good hormones and brain chemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin, that are released, which positively affect mental, physical, and emotional well-being,” says Alvarez. I’m not saying no one ever got into a fight with their partner about how they load the dishwasher moments after a roll in the hay, but I do believe it’s statistically less likely. 

Orgasms can help improve sleep and reduce stress

And it’s not just a passing moment of bliss. According to Dr. Monica Grover, OBGYN and Chief Medical Officer at VSPOT the NYC-based intimate medspa, these hormones can improve our sleep quality, moods and cognition while diminishing stress and anxiety. If you’ve ever fallen into bed with an exhausted body and racing mind, I’ve got good news. An orgasm can help with that. “By reducing stress response levels, orgasms help to diminish anxiety as well as increase slow wave REM sleep, which is the sound sleep that we all crave. Melatonin is vital in inducing sleep quality, and this hormone is also produced from serotonin, which is elevated during an orgasm,” says Grover.

Orgasms can help improve pelvic floor health

Moms struggling with pelvic floor issues will be delighted to hear orgasms can aid in pelvic floor health as well. An orgasm naturally contracts the same muscles you’d engage while practicing kegels and as Story tells Motherly, “There are studies showing that with frequent orgasms, the pelvic floor can become stronger and have better mobility.” As someone who full on peed herself without even realizing it on her second day of motherhood, I’ll take all the unintended kegels I can get.

Orgasms can give your skin a glow

Also, that post-O glow? You’re not imagining it. Story offers, “The increased circulation of blood throughout the body provides you with more oxygen and nutrients vital for functioning. With extra blood circulation, your skin is less prone to irritation and inflammation, resulting in a more glowy and youthful look.” Take a hike, snail mucin. I’ve got this.

Orgasms can help reduce period pain

If you’d rather sit naked on a stovetop than get busy during your period, I see you. But hear me out. Orgasms trigger the release of endorphins, which are natural painkillers produced by the body. These endorphins can help reduce the perception of pain and create a sense of well-being. Along with the muscle relaxation that occurs after orgasm, you may find that having an orgasm can help ease the tension in the uterine muscles and decrease the severity of menstrual cramps.

Prioritizing sex as self-care

Of course, like exercise and eating healthy, just because you know the benefits, it doesn’t mean prioritizing sex and orgasms is any easier. Caring for kids is exhausting. Finding even a few minutes of privacy can be near impossible. Getting in the mood can be a chore in and of itself. Additionally, there are plenty of factors—stress, vaginal dryness, lack of libido to name a few—that can make reaching orgasm difficult, if not impossible. Personally, it took until my kids were out of the toddler stage to fully find myself desiring sex of any kind. But the thing I find most interesting, is that the more I do it, the more I want to do it.

If and when you’re ready to prioritize, start by allowing yourself to just let go. Let go of expectation and control and take a few minutes a day to explore your body and what feels good. Says Dr. Grover, “It’s important to just relax and not put too much pressure mentally in trying to reach an orgasm. Once the mind is relaxed, the body will activate the proper signaling pathways from the brain to the clitoris to elicit an orgasm.”

If you don’t already have a drawer full of sex toys, consider adding one. Between Bloomi, Dame, Maude, Lelo and others, there’s an ever-growing collection of female-empowered sexual wellness brands offering well-designed toys to suit every preference. Vibrators are a fantastic way to stimulate clitorial and vaginal orgasms, whether you’re using them with a partner or solo. Dr. Grover also recommends suction based sex-toys which can train your body to send blood flow to the clitoris. Another way to enhance blood flow and arousal is with a serum like VSpot’s Oh Serum which increases circulation and sensitivity, or the Foria Awaken Arousal Oil with CBD which helps relax both vaginal and clitoral muscles, resulting in more intense orgasms. 

If you're looking for some support, check out these sex toys, serums and lubes!

Dame

Aer

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$74.25

As Dr. Grover recommends, suction toys can be helpful to increase blood flow to the clitoris. The petite Dame Aer is designed for clitoral stimulation with a slightly different technology than traditional vibrators (which can sometimes be too much for such a sensitive spot). Instead, it utilizes air pressure to create a vibrating sensation that doesn’t numb or desensitize. It’s quiet and waterproof, so go ahead! Fish those rubber ducks and plastic bath toys out of the tub and schedule a little me time with a toy of your own.

SHOP DAME

Unbound

Ollie

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$76

Since the dawn of the Hitachi “massager” in the late 60s (we all know what it really is) wand style vibrators have been a go-to for good times. And while the OG is pretty fantastic, turns out you can improve on an original. The Ollie wand is equipped with eight speeds and patterns in a powerful cordless design which is great for solo or partner sessions. The soft and generously sized surface area means it’s easy to find just the right spot almost instantly and allows it to be used on G-rated body parts as well.

SHOP UNBOUND

Maude

Spot

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$79

While the g-spot orgasm may be more elusive, I like to see it as an opportunity for more practice and exploration. (It’s like the Magic Eye of orgasms, I swear. Like are people who say they’ve had them just lying to us as we squint and agree we know what they’re talking about?) One worthy tool of the trade? The Maude Spot. The curved, minimalist vibe is designed to be used internally to stimulate the g-spot through five different speeds. It can also be used externally for clitoral orgasms as well. Win win!

SHOP MAUDE

Coconu

Water Based Lubricant

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$24.99

Forget what you know about gloppy, sticky lube that just sits on top. The silky soft coconut oil based lube from Coconu feels luxurious and slick while doubling as a vaginal moisturizer. And since it’s made from all natural ingredients and is pH balanced, it keeps all your bits happy inside and out! (Also, water-based lubes play well with silicone, making them the ideal choice when using silicone toys.)

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Überlube

Überlube Silicone Lubricant

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$20

If you’re more inclined to use a silicone-based lube, Überlube is hands-down the best out there. It’s gorgeously silky, lasts long, and can even pinch hit as a massage oil. Seriously, it feels like skincare, it’s so good. It also has no smell and doesn’t stain your sheets. And even though it’s what’s inside that really counts, I can’t help but shout out the understated bottle which is so pretty you can leave it on your nightstand and not feel like you’re running a brothel.

SHOP GOODVIBES

SHOP AMAZON

Foria

Awaken Arousal Oil with CBD

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$48

For pleasure enhancement, serums work wonders. Like Foria’s Awaken Arousal Oil with CBD for example. Just drip a few silky drops on all the places that count and wait about 20 minutes for it to get to work. The unique blend of broad-spectrum CBD and organic MCT coconut oil is mixed with warming infusions of cinnamon, ginger and essential oils to increase sensation and excitement. And don’t worry! It’s not overly tingly like other arousal topicals can be. It’s got that familiar, relaxing CBD feel that helps guide you toward a more euphoric session. NBD. (It’s also available in a CBD-free version as well!)

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VSPOT

Oh Orgasm Arousal Serum

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$65

Alternatively, this miracle in a bottle works almost instantly to create a warmth and sensitivity that’s out of this world. Even better, the gynecologist-developed serum is formulated to increase intensity of orgasms over time. Apply it twice daily for two weeks, then daily for maintenance. Satisfied doesn’t begin to cover it.

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Quim

Happy Clam Serum

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$48

Facts are, if you’re feeling dry and uncomfortable throughout the day, getting off is probably the last thing on your mind. One of my favorite products for keeping everything happily moisturized is Happy Clam Serum from Quim. (The name alone had me hooked. And if there’s a better product tagline out there than “eye cream for your vagina,” I haven’t found it.) It’s formulated for regular use to keep your downstairs hydrated–not just during sexy times. In addition to CBD, it’s packed with nourishing ingredients like apricot oil and calendula to soothe and hydrate along with tea tree oil which can help reduce the risks of UTIs and yeast infections. After sex, around your period, after a bath–literally any time you need a little bit of comfort apply and enjoy. A little extra pampering will pay off when you’re getting down to business. Promise. (After all, you’ve probably got a regular skincare routine for your face, right?)

SHOP QUIM

So go ahead. Take that bubble bath. Stroll the Target aisles. But don’t underestimate the power of connecting with your body and making time for self-care that’s truly all about you.