What is paternal depression? We need to talk about men’s mental health, too

Content warning: This story contains mention of suicide.

We’re moving in a positive direction with maternal mental health, having necessary conversations that support mothers in a less shameful light. Yet, for fathers and men in general, we still have a ways to come. Research suggests that 10% of new dads experience depression—but what about dads years down the road? 

There is still a stigma men face in asking for help, showing emotion and being vulnerable, thanks to socialization and cultural expectations. They put on the brave face and act like nothing bothers them as they fill the role of father and husband, one of stability and provider for their families. Therefore, depression among men goes largely undiagnosed. 

Related: At my 6-week postpartum checkup, I lied to my doctor about my PPD

But this “mask” they wear can become heavy and lonely. It can become dark and relentless. Yet the fear of taking it off can prevent them from doing just that. Men don’t often dare to appear weak, incapable or “emotional.” They have been told since childhood, either directly or indirectly, that “boys don’t cry” and to “toughen up,” which then is internalized over the years to mean “your feelings don’t matter” and your experience isn’t valid. 

While this was never the intention of our parents’ generation when raising us, it was par for the course back then—and the consequences still plague many of us today. It shows itself in an inability to know one’s emotions, let alone express them, ask for help or even simply share vulnerably with one another.

The expectations placed on men to constantly appear strong and “perfect” in their role (just like women and mothers who face perfectionism in other ways), obviously makes it incredibly hard for any man to express struggle or ask for help. 

Signs of depression in men and fathers

Depression, anxiety or any other mental health struggle can sometimes become a “mask” people feel they need to live in. In fact, studies show that while men are diagnosed with depression at half the rate of women, they die by suicide 3 to 4 times as frequently.

Knowing this, what might paternal depression look like? How might this internal struggle appear for a man in your life?

Examples of how paternal depression may show up

• It might look like an increase in anger or irritability as men strive to show their feelings in more “culturally appropriate” ways aligned with what being a “man” means in modern society
• It may mean changes to their sleep and eating patterns and daily routine
• They might appear less engaged in social and family activities, or more fatigued and detached from what once gave them connection

If you feel in your gut that something is off with your loved one’s mental health, you shouldn’t hesitate to ask or get help. It means there is hope and still time if acted upon quickly. 

It’s helpful to know that 90% of those considering suicide give some sort of warning to those around them. 

Examples of signs someone may be considering suicide

• Giving away their belongings
• Increase in drug or alcohol use
• A previous suicide attempt
• Language insinuating a desire to die, such as “life just feels too hard,” or “I can’t do this anymore. I wish I wasn’t here,” or “you’d be better off without me”

If you assume your partner is in immediate danger, call 911 or 988, the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. You can also refer to the QPR protocol outlined below. 

4 ways to support your partner who may be struggling with paternal depression

1. Practice empathy and understanding

Knowing how hard it is for men to admit they’re struggling or needing help means you might need to normalize their experience for them until they feel safe to do so. Try something like “I’ve noticed you’ve been sleeping more and less likely to want to hang with the kids. Is everything OK? You’re juggling a lot right now and I want you to know it makes sense you’d be feeling overwhelmed. I’m here for you.”

2. Don’t stop checking on them

Don’t ask once and necessarily assume what they told you is the truth. They might feel embarrassed and ashamed to be experiencing their feelings this way and the more you ask them, the more they’ll know you mean it and they’re safe to be honest with you.

3. Talk about your own struggles and mental health

Make these topics part of your relationship so that nothing is off the table. Share what it was like for you to admit your struggles and how you went about getting help.

Related: Spotting postpartum depression can be difficult. Here’s how to enlist your partner’s help

4. Offer resources

If you don’t see signs of suicidality, yet his behavior and mood point to needing some support, you can refer him to therapy. Additionally, there are more men’s groups popping up online in which men get together to learn their emotions and have safe spaces to process their struggles. These can be very powerful and validating as men learn it’s OK to struggle too. 

How to talk about suicide

Nervous to talk about suicide with your partner? Try the proven suicide prevention technique known as the QPR (question, persuade and refer) protocol.

Related: Suicide is the leading cause of death in new moms

Q: Question

You can’t give someone the idea of suicide—that’s a myth. It’s either something they are already thinking about or not. It can be scary to ask someone so directly, “Are you thinking of killing yourself? Are you thinking of suicide?” but the consequence of not asking that question can be deadly. 

Get comfortable asking that question. 

P: Persuade

Next up, you want to convince them to get professional help. Lead with empathy and understanding, even if you don’t get their desire yourself. Try, “I get that life feels really overwhelming right now. You matter so much to me and our family. I want to help you. Will you go with me to get help?” If that doesn’t work, it is time to call a local emergency crisis center helpline or emergency services (see below). 

R: Refer

No matter if they do it with you or by themselves, give them numbers and resources to connect with professional help right away. Write it down, text it to them or call the number for them. Make sure they have the contact information readily available to them.

A note from Motherly: Paternal depression

The more we talk about mental health and make it a normal conversation, the less shame and stigma there is about it. We can’t afford not to have these conversations with our partners and those we love. When we do this, our children learn that it’s OK for them to struggle too, and even more importantly, that they can ask for help. 

The phone numbers listed below are available to you 24/7 to help you help a loved one with suicidal thoughts or other mental health crises: 

• National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988
  • Available in English and Spanish
• National Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

A version of this story was originally published on Dec. 16, 2022. It has been updated.