This mom’s secret to easing separation anxiety is just as heartwarming as it is effective

No matter how outgoing or extroverted your young child is, chances are they’ll still feel separation anxiety when they first start school (or daycare, or anything involving separation from their primary caretaker). As psychologist John Bowlby discovered in the 1950s, infants and toddlers not only crave attachment to their primary caregiver, they actually need it because until around age 6 they haven’t fully developed into separate beings. Attachment is not just enjoyable to littles, it’s a means for survival.

This revelation is important in understanding children’s behaviors, but separating from our kiddos is something that most parents have to go through at some point. So how do we make that transition easiest for them (and ourselves—because yes, parents can have separation anxiety, too)? Child therapist and mother of three Jess, who goes by Nurtured First on Instagram, came up with a simple technique to ease separation anxiety that is just as heartwarming as it is effective: drawing a heart on your kid’s hand and your own hand.

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A post shared by Jess | Nurtured First Parenting (@nurturedfirst)

“Imagine being a child who has to go to school for the first time. You don’t want to go. You tell your parents that it’s too hard, you want to stay home,” Jess explained in her Instagram post. “Option 1: Your parents tell you that you have no choice. You need to get on the bus and be a big kid. But you don’t want to be big. You want to stay in the comfort of your parents’ arms forever. You want to be little again. You aren’t ready to grow up. What if the teacher isn’t nice? What will your parents do without you? Instead of validating these feelings, your parents say, ‘Grow up, go on the bus…’”

This first option is probably a familiar scenario for many of us who now have children of our own. Because that’s how we were raised, it makes sense to react this way, but that doesn’t mean it feels good. 

Now for the more connected scenario: “Option 2: When you tell your parents that you don’t want to go on the bus, they stay calm. ‘I hear you don’t want to go to school. You want to stay home with me. That makes sense. Home feels safe. Want to know something? The safe feeling that you have at home with me can be taken with you to school. I’ll show you how.’”

“Then, your mom draws a heart on your hand. As she draws the heart, she tells you that no matter where you go, she’ll always be caring for you,” she continued. “Then, she draws a heart on her own hand too. She tells you that she’ll look at the heart all day. Whenever she looks at it, she’ll be reminded of you.”
It’s so simple, but so powerful, especially for a generation of parents who yearned for connection from our own caregivers. If you don’t think this method would work well for your family, here are some other suggestions on how to ease separation anxiety.

A version of this story was originally published on Oct. 20, 2023. It has been updated.