My career is my refuge and it makes me a better mom

Like many women straddling fast-moving careers and motherhood, my toddler has spontaneously hijacked virtual meetings to show off his HFM blisters (yes, another daycare outbreak!). I’ve groggily dialed into 7 am conference calls after sleep-deprived nights with my fussy newborn. There are days in which I start before the sun comes up, knowing full well I won’t be able to see my little ones until I pick them up from school that afternoon.

As I’m pulled between my career and motherhood, I often feel just a little bit “less than” in some area of my life. When I’m trying to lull my child to sleep at 3 am, I know I’ll be tired for my first meeting later that day. When I’m working “just one more hour” to prepare for an out-of-town meeting, I know my children will cry over my absence from bedtime. 

Yet three years into this wild ride of motherhood, I have learned to extend the gift of grace and allow myself to be wholly present, accept help, and simply do my best. Because I love my children with all I have. But I also love my career. It has taken me years to accept that I enjoy making an impact outside of my house and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

Related: How to be a good mom: How to ditch perfectionism & embrace being ‘good enough’

I’ve learned to treat work as my refuge. It is my safe space to show up, drink coffee while it’s hot, ideate and innovate. I take immense pride in leading a team at a burgeoning startup and working alongside people who inspire, surprise and support me.

Just as I am.

We treat each other respectfully and kindly. We know that there is always time to be polite and empathetic. I can appreciate this immensely because throughout my career, it wasn’t always this way. 

Most days aren’t perfect, but the feeling of satisfaction I have in knowing the work I do makes a difference gives me purpose. It is equally empowering as it is humbling. I feel pangs of discouragement as I read headlines detailing relentless layoffs and women leaving the workforce in droves, largely because my identity outside of my home is something I treasure. It’s something I saw modeled in my own mother, and I’ve learned over time that it’s something I too can be proud of. Having that independent identity makes me a happier person. It is my hope that as my children grow, they can see these traits and aspirations and be proud of their mother.

Related: Rejecting ‘working mom guilt’ made me a better parent 

Here are a few ways I’ve learned to help me release the mom guilt and appreciate the gift of being both a mother and an executive.

3 things I learned about being an executive and a mom

1. Lean into your village, and if you don’t have one, build one

No one makes it alone. Professionally speaking, think beyond a mentor. Consider building your own personal board of directors and keep those who inspire you close. Ask for guidance and mentorship from those you respect, and allow someone to champion you for you. Get comfortable accepting help at home, too. Perhaps it’s from your partner if you have one, a friend or neighbor willing to drop off a meal, or a family member offering to watch your sick kiddos so you don’t have to shuffle a day of scheduled meetings. And if none of those options are available for the areas in which you need support, if you have the means to, hire someone you trust. Don’t let your pride get in the way. Say yes and be thankful. 

Related: In the absence of a village, build your own

2. Don’t forget who you were before you became a mother 

I often ask myself “What am I doing with myself when I’m not working and not mothering?” How do you show up for yourself and do things that bring you joy? Whether that takes shape in the form of scheduling a recurring date with girlfriends or your partner, exercising during a lunch break or waking up early before the rest of your household to sip coffee in silence, remember the things that make you feel more you, and do them. Often. 

3. Do your best

Instead of waiting for everything to be perfect in order to be happy, my mantra has become, “I’m doing the best I can.” 

And for me, that is enough.

Related: To the weary and exhausted mama—you aren’t alone