How to get your kids out the door in 39 easy steps

PSA:

Dear friends, family, colleagues, church congregation, and school faculty members,

I am sorry I was late.

I sat down and mapped out a life plan, and so far it looks like I will be late for approximately 15 more years.

My dreams of timeliness are dead along with that Kombucha culture you gave me.

Thank you for understanding.

Best,

A mom in dirty yoga pants.

When you are a parent you wake up ridiculously early to get your children ready. Gone are the days when you rolled out of bed, threw on jeans and gave yourself a fist bump for making it out of the house in 20 minutes flat.

With kids, you have to factor in the parenting space/time continuum principle: 20 minutes is exactly the same as 1 second.

Except for the 20 minutes before bedtime. That 20 minutes equals about 45 hours. It’s all very confusing and it is okay to cry about it.

If you, along with everyone else, are wondering WHY you are late. Let me remind you:

Mornings before kids:

1. Get self ready.

2. Get self in car.

3. Go.

Mornings now:

1. Wake up children.

2. Go to the kitchen to start breakfast.

3. Hear no noise from children.

4. Holler at children every 30 seconds.

5. All appear, except one. Your future seems bright, you keep hollering.

6. You hear last child thrashing and grunting violently. This is the worst moment of his life.

7. Child finally emerges. It is unclear if he is human or zombie.

8. Child sits on couch.

9. Child becomes one with the couch.

10. You call frantically to them while making eggs: “Shoes!” “Hair!” “Clothes!”

11. Child stares into space.

12. Leave eggs to burn and get right up in his business: “Clothes, right now buddy!”

13. Child looks at you like: do I know you? He gets up and wanders off.

14. You are hopeful.

15. 30 minutes later you find child sitting in the corner of his room holding one shoe.

16. His oldest sibling starts hyperventilating because he does not like to be late.

17. You do not like to be late.

18. You are still wearing pajamas. You will be late forever.

19. You say, “Find your shoes!!”

20. You run into your room and realize that you did not dry last night’s laundry. Your drawer is empty except for one pair of jeans from 2009.

21. It takes you fifteen minutes to get those pants on. You are sweating and panting. You are not a quitter.

22. You did it!

23. You feel strangely light-headed. You are worried you are bruising your organs.

24. You are a quitter.

25. You pull on dirty yoga pants and spot clean with a baby wipe.

26. You yell as you run down stairs, “Kids! Car! Shoes! Coats!”

27. You find your sleepy child again. He did not find shoes. He found a marker and piece of paper. He wonders if you can draw him a picture of the hulk, and also superman, and also a building complex that is on fire.

28. You will cry now.

29. Finally everyone is in the car.

30. You wrestle baby into her carseat. She thinks you are mean.

31. You start the car.

32. Wait.

33. Did you leave the burner on? Where is your wallet? Does everyone have their shoes? Are you wearing a bra?

34. Oldest child starts weeping. You are causing his Type A much stress and turmoil.

35. You race back into the house and as you pass your room you briefly contemplate going back to bed.

36. You are late.

37. You are very very late.

38. You pull into a coffee stand because you are going to need your brain and your body to participate in this day.

39. Estimated time of arrival: Tomorrow.

HEY MAMA…GO YOU.

From one mom to another…can we just agree that late is the new on time?

Carry on, mamas. You’ll definitely make it on time tomorrow. ?

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