6 ways Black mothers can prioritize their mental health

In more than 20 years as a researcher in the field of mental health disparities (the study of how and why people experience disparate outcomes in health and health care), I have learned a lot about why mental health matters so much for Black women, women of color and especially Black moms.

In this moment (and always), it’s important to stress how much Black maternal mental health matters—because as I tell my patients, “as mama goes, so goes the family.”

Related: Motherly’s State of Motherhood report: Black Mothering in America

I have been blessed to be mom to multiple biological children—and I recognize this as a gift, given the many challenges facing Black mothers in pregnancy-related deaths and systemic issues that result in Black maternal health disparities.

Like many women, I am also a mother figure to a number of non-biological children, including the teens and young adults I have encountered through my mental health research and outreach nonprofit, the AAKOMA Project.

Our children are always watching us (a fact you already know quite well) and we set the stage for how our children develop and mature. For me, this means that as our children are watching, they see how we prioritize, or fail to prioritize, self-care and they replicate our behavior accordingly.

If we do not put ourselves and our mental health first, we risk teaching our children that self-sacrifice comes before self-care, which is not the message we want to send.

Instead, I hope that you will take this moment to learn and practice new ways of caring for yourself.

6 tips to help improve Black maternal mental health

1. Prioritize your mental health

Name your emotions and feelings as valid, and center your mental health in your daily activities. That might mean saying no to things you don’t have time for, taking a few minutes for deep breathing, yoga or using a guided journal.

2. Focus on active coping

Take time to do things you enjoy and that uplift you. Whether that’s going to brunch with friends or returning to a hobby that makes you happy, focusing on yourself is key. Active coping could also mean reaching out to a therapist or joining a peer support group form moms to prioritize your mental health.

3. Remember you are loved and needed

For expectant moms and moms with young children, remember that your health is directly tied to those precious little lives growing inside you or bonded to you, and draw strength from that knowledge. When mothers prioritize their health, everyone benefits.

4. Use your words

Say what you mean and mean what you say. When each of us speaks up, we live more honestly. When we speak up together, we’re able to create a tremendous amount of change.

5. Remove and discard negative influences

You know the term “gaslighting?” Where people try to invalidate your feelings? I want you to resist that (see steps 1 through 4 above) and stay close to the positive people and experiences in your life.

Related: Feeling dismissed by your doctor? Medical gaslighting can be common in women’s health

6. Experience and embrace your full range of emotions

Do not allow people to limit your emotional expression by invoking the “Angry Black Woman” stereotype against you. Women are entitled to our full range of emotions. And if you cannot get angry about racism, unjust attacks, discrimination and the murders and attacks on innocent people like Breonna Taylor, Sandra Bland and trans sister Iyanna Dior, then when in the world can you get angry? Remember as well that bottled up anger literally withers us from the inside as described by the terms allostatic load and weathering.

Related: 6 ways to raise emotionally intelligent kids, according to a clinical psychologist

Talking with children about race and racism

Though we cannot stop people from harboring racist attitudes, we can absolutely teach our children, and in the process ourselves, how to protect our spirits and psyches against racist attacks.

As parents, we have a loving responsibility to our children—and as Black moms, an added duty to prepare our children for living in a world that may not always value their humanity. My scientist colleagues suggest that this requires developmentally appropriate tools like books about race, media and activities designed expressly for this purpose.

We must also do this by having honest and age-appropriate conversations about race and racism with our babies and teens and our young adult children. We want to help them understand our history and present lived realities (e.g. the “talk” that Black moms must have with our sons to protect them before they experience danger in police encounters).

Related: 7 vital lessons for teaching kids how to manage their emotions

We can tailor this conversation with our children in developmentally appropriate ways. For example, little ones may be too young to fully understand our justified anger or deep sadness about world injustice, so we must make time to sit them down and speak gently with them about why we feel what we feel, reassuring them that feelings are OK and should be expressed.

This teaches our babies about the full range of emotions and that you do not have to physically present for an event to feel the associated emotions. For our teens and young adult children, we want to always have open lines of communication so that our children know the safety that rests with mama’s open ear and heart.

Raising our voices for our own mental health

Feeling strongly about going out to protest injustice? Allow me to share some food for thought. As moms, we may have to negotiate allowing our older children to go out and protest, or attending (or organizing) a protest with our families. Remember that you know intuitively what your children can handle and what stresses them and I encourage you to use this intuition as a guide.

Consider your child’s needs: Is she bold and assertive, is he shy and anxious or are they some combination of both? Allow this knowledge of your child to be your guide for the emotional weight of joining large public protests. I would be remiss to not state that there are obvious physical health hazards for participating in public protests so we should definitely weigh those risks as well.

Finally, my wish for you is that you always remember to put yourself first. This means creating, finding and maintaining the tools and support you need to stay physically and emotionally healthy.

Always remember that when you fly, you are asked to secure your mask before helping anyone needing assistance. I hope that you will treat your life with the same level of care always.

A version of this story was published June 8, 2020. It has been updated.