This Valentine’s Day I’m teaching my daughters about all types of love

Ah, Valentine’s Day. It’s always a day that I’ve had mixed feelings about. While it’s intended as a day to celebrate love that dates back to the 1400s (or before!) it’s also a day that can cause a lot of heartache, tears and feelings of low self worth because of the messaging around celebrating with your romantic partner. 

If you don’t have a partner for the big day, then the day can seem to some like a “failure”—not having someone to celebrate with. I’ve experienced my fair share of disappointment for not having a partner on February 14 and I don’t want the same for my girls. 

My girls, 3 years old and 1 year old, are way too young to fully absorb what’s going on around them on Valentine’s. They’ll exchange cards and mementos with everyone in their class and be excited about the treats they get but I want to get ahead of the day that class-wide swaps stop. 

While I know I can’t solve every hurt feeling or heartache, I know I can set them up for a better mental experience around the holiday. When the day comes for a school fundraiser to send individual roses to homeroom, I don’t want them to be anxiously waiting to see if they get one or be sad if they don’t get one—I want them to be excited for all of the ones they’ve sent to their friends. 

My goal is to make them confident that they can celebrate Valentine’s Day whether they have a romantic partner or not. I want them to recognize that if they don’t have a special someone to celebrate that they’re still very, very loved and that a “successful” Valentine’s Day can look like sitting on the couch with your best friends, going out to dinner with your partner or simply showing yourself some self-love.

That’s why I’m teaching my girls that Valentine’s Day is about all types of love, not just the romantic type, and that they’ll always have multiple Valentines in their life. 

I’m teaching them that love is all about supporting someone and being there for them. It can include a partner, yes, but also includes a wider support system of friends and caregivers. Valentines can come in all shapes and sizes, from a sibling or parent to a best friend, partner or even a favorite teacher. 

What I try to illustrate to my girls is that the love I have for my best friends is different from the love I have for my partner, but that both types of love are paramount to my life. Giving my daughters a healthy perspective on Valentine’s Day is important, and worth working on from an early age. 

It’s not a new concept. Estonia and Finland celebrate Friendship Day on February 14 instead of Valentine’s Day. “Galentine’s Day,” created by Amy Phoeler in Parks and Recreation in 2010, is all about celebrating friends and girlfriends. Having these holidays is a great reminder that we should be celebrating all of the people we love. Had Galentine’s Day been a thing in my teens and early 20s I think I could have walked away from more Valentine’s Days feeling fulfilled vs sad.

So what does this mean from a practical perspective? Instead of sending cards to school that mention love, we’ll exchange cards that talk about being friends. Minted has some especially cute ideas for classroom cards, like their “You’re a Cereal-ously Great Friend” one that you could pair with an individual box of cereal or their “Orange You Glad We’re Friends” one that you could pair with a cutie orange. If they get cards mentioning love from classmates we’ll talk about how much love there is to go around.

I’ll make a point of sending cards to my best friends and get them to help seal up the envelopes and put on stamps. On Valentine’s Day I’ll run through a list of people who I love and ask them to do the same. We’ll still have hearts and lots of pink, but will try to shift the focus away from a singular Valentine.

If you’ve got an older child who’s already hit the end of classroom swaps, encourage them to do something nice for their friends on February 14. Help them make cards or do a little craft—it doesn’t have to be expensive, just a way to show their friends that they love them. 

They may not get anything in return this year, but your child can lead the way showing the all-encompassing nature that Valentine’s Day can be.