Dr. Becky shares an important reminder on why your teen needs a sturdy leader

If you’re familiar with Dr. Becky’s work, you know she’s all about connecting with our children—while also setting firm boundaries. Gentle parenting can sometimes get mistaken for permissive parenting, but that’s not the case at all. It’s about being an authoritative figure while also showing empathy. 

Sometimes the leadership part gets lost in translation, and in a recent reel, Dr. Becky shared a great reminder why your teen needs a sturdy leader.

“Your teen does not not need to have authority in every decision we make as parents… What they do need is a sturdy leader,” she wrote in the caption. In the video, Dr. Becky gave examples of what this might look like, saying things like “You really need to go to bed now, you’ve been staying up so late the last couple nights. You know how important sleep is, right?” or “What, all your friends have TikTok? Haven’t you seen all the articles about how bad it is for you? Don’t you think you should wait?”

“These are examples of moments when we are giving our kid way too much power in the decision making process,” she pointed out. “Not all moments in parenting involve collaboration.”

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A post shared by Dr. Becky Kennedy | Parenting (@drbeckyatgoodinside)

The Good Inside author and mom of three went on to give an adult example of something like this. “Imagine being on a plane, and you’re on a plane to Los Angeles, but then you hear from your pilot that they need to make an emergency landing in Denver,” she said. “Imagine if the pilot said it this way: ‘Is it okay with everyone? Have you seen the weather out there? It’s not so safe, right? Maybe an emergency landing?’ Can you imagine if your pilot heard the protest of the passengers. ‘Oh I have to land in Denver, that’s gonna be so annoying.’ And then you heard the pilot say, ‘Oh, okay. Actually forget the whole emergency landing thing. We’re gonna keep going to Los Angeles.’”

“There are moments when you need a leader to be sturdy; to deliver a decision that’s not collaborative because it’s actually in everyone’s best interest,” Dr. Becky explained. “This is the same as parenting. Of course there’s moments to collaborate with our kids. There are also moments to own our authority and make the decision ourselves, because that’s what it means to be a sturdy leader.”

In the reel’s caption, Dr. Becky detailed what she means when she says “sturdy leader,” defining it as “the idea of seeing our kids’ emotional storms and caring about them as well … but not getting swept up in them.”

She also suggested effective ways to react when your child pushes back on your decision. “Here’s how to respond to pushback with firmness and connection,” she wrote. “Set your boundary; validate their feelings; respond with empathy.”

This particular example focuses on teens, but the approach applies to children of all ages. You can be firm without being authoritarian and empathetic without being a pushover. This is the real ethos of gentle parenting.