Here’s how to prep your kids for those awkward family holiday dinner conversations

You’ve cooked the turkey. You’ve organized who is bringing what side. You’ve even convinced your stubborn sweats-loving kids to put on some real clothes. You are about to take your first bite of that epic Thanksgiving meal, and then you hear Uncle Joe say, “So, what do you all think about what Biden did!” Fork drop.

It’s happened at many well-intentioned gatherings and dinner tables, and will happen again — family drama, politics, and conversations that come out at the dinner table that were probably better dealt with at any other time of the year.  Yet here they are.

There’s a reason some studies show we can only tolerate up to four hours with our relatives. So, it’s time to prepare for what you, the responsible adult and parent, might do if this happens (again) in front of the kids. Here are some specific scripts and examples experts recommend for talking to your kids.

Fill in your kids about rocky family dynamics ahead of time

Use age-appropriate information, but it can help to give them a bit of info ahead of time, according to family and children’s therapist Mariel Benjamin, LCSW, VP, Groups and Content at Cooper.

“Any dynamics that kids are going to notice (as in who is there or missing, who no one talks to much, who they fight with, etc.) should be raised by parents first,” she says. “The other time to mention them is when children ask (“why don’t we ever see your mommy?” or “how come we have two thanksgivings instead of one with everyone?”) When we don’t answer children’s questions, or help them understand that these situations are OK to talk about, we send the message that they are taboo, or off limits, and that it’s not OK to bring them up.” 

She says that can lead to kids making up their own explanations for things, and those are often much worse than the truth.

Tell it like it is—as long as it’s something you’re OK with them repeating

Toddlers and preteens alike might inadvertently repeat to grandma what you said about her, so be cautious of your word choice when you explain family dynamics. But, that shouldn’t be a reason not to tell the truth. Benjamin gives an example of how to talk about it:

“At a minimum, explain what they see or hear. At a maximum, explain the origin of the drama, how you’ve tried to handle it before, and how you ended up this way. Be honest about your feelings regarding the drama (for example, “It is very hard for mommy not to see her dad at Thanksgiving, but it is also hard for us to always be kind to each other when we are together. We are better on the phone or in short visits, so that is what we are going to do this year. Maybe in the future it will be different, and we are both working on it.”

Assure the kids it isn’t about love; it’s often about logistics

It’s not them. So let them know that. Giving kids permission to be happy and celebratory in the face of family drama is a must. Try this, Benjamin says:

“Grandma and Grandpa are both coming to Thanksgiving, and we know they don’t always get along. You don’t need to be worried about that because we will be there and make sure everyone is being kind to each other. You may not see them talking, but they are both happy to see you.” OR, “We aren’t going to see — this year because we aren’t getting along right now. We still love each other, and we are still family, but we both thought a little time apart would be good for us.” OR, “Every family looks very different. In our family, we celebrate with friends that we love instead of a lot of people we are actually related to. That is OK for us and it makes us happy.”

These scripts, and whatever else you think would work for your kids, are a must-try before much more gets heated than the delicious meal this season.