What to expect when your kid comes home from college for Thanksgiving

Your child’s first Thanksgiving home after leaving for college can be a very exciting time for the entire family. Perhaps it is the longest period of time you have ever spent apart from your child, or maybe you have been holding your breath, waiting to  see if  your child is really okay after their first few months at college. Whatever it is, there are usually A LOT of emotions.

I am a clinical psychologist who has been working in college mental health for over 20 years. I have trained and been employed by university counseling centers and am currently in private practice where I provide one-on-one therapy with college students. After witnessing many students prepare to return home for Thanksgiving, go home, and then eventually return to campus, I want to share some of the lessons these students have taught me in order for you, the parent, to make the most of the holiday. 

5 things to note when your child is home for Thanksgiving

1.  Rules

One of the most common frustrations I hear is how students, who believe they live completely independently at school, come home and get annoyed because they have to follow rules.  It is a good idea to talk openly about the rules and expectations that you have while your child is home. Will they have a curfew? Will they be allowed to use the family car whenever they want? Listen to their thoughts and feelings and come to an agreement together. Ultimately, you get to decide but they will appreciate getting to share their thoughts and feelings. 

2. Sleep  

Your child will be completely exhausted—no matter if they have had a positive time or if it has been challenging. You cannot be prepared for how mentally, emotionally and physically tired they will be. So, as much as you will want to spend every waking moment with them, a great deal of their time will be spent sleeping. Let them sleep! This is likely not an indicator that they are unhappy or stressed. They just need to recharge from the many changes and challenges they have faced in a short period of time.

3. Friends

Yes, your child will be excited to be in their home, with their own bed and a bathroom that is probably more comfortable than dorm bathrooms. But most students are also really excited to spend time with their friends from home. Thanksgiving is typically a pretty limited break, so you may get frustrated if you feel that their friends are dominating your child’s time. The trick is to be clear about what you expect them to show up for from the beginning while also remembering to make space for them to spend time with their buddies. 

4. Overplanning

You may be tempted to pack in a lot during the short period of time that your child is home. Maybe you want to take them to their favorite restaurant, visit with extended family, go shopping for winter gear, etc. Try to hold on to the idea that less is more. This circles back to the exhausted part. The time that they have spent in their first few months at college can feel like a marathon, and all they want to do is recover. So try to adjust your expectations and avoid overplanning. 

5. Belonging

Emotions may be running high. I know you are going to want to know everything about everything but depending on your child and their experience, they may have a hard time translating their feelings into words. It is a strange time. They often don’t feel fully integrated into their college life, and sometimes their home life and friends don’t feel the same either. This feeling of being unsure if they belong anywhere can be unsettling. Generally speaking, this gets better over time as your child will hopefully become more connected to their school. In fact, before you know it, they may be calling school, home. Of course, that is totally unacceptable (note the sarcasm), but we can tackle that another time.

Having your child home from college for the first time can bring up all kinds of emotions for the entire family.  As parents, you just want to squeeze your child now that they are back within arms’ reach. But for your child, coming home from school can mean that they are navigating the home front with a new sense of who they are or are becoming. My hope is that these lessons can be a helpful guide for your family.