How postpartum pain gave me purpose

I still remember freaking out to my husband after our last birthing class—the one where we watched a simulation of a woman’s body pushing a baby through the birth canal.

“How am I going to do that?” I fretted. 

“Women have been doing this for centuries,” he reassured me. “You’ll be fine.”

I told myself he was right, but something felt wrong. Labor, delivery, motherhood—all felt much bigger than he, or anyone else, was acknowledging.

 My water broke and I went into labor in the middle of the night. I woke my partner up, he grabbed our go-bags and we went to the hospital.

What turned out to be a 23-hour labor and delivery with zero pain medication left me spent and exhausted. One birth instructor had said that the oxytocin would kick in immediately and I wouldn’t feel more pain but that was not my experience. Every stitch to repair the tear I had incurred when pushing felt more excruciating than the last. 

Once it was done, I sighed a huge sigh of relief, feeling the worst was over. 

Little did I know it was far from over. The next two years were a dark and dizzying tornado of Postpartum Depression (PPD), Postpartum Anxiety (PPA), Postpartum Psychosis (PPP), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and two very rare and painful physical complications that resulted in many invasive doctor’s appointments, physical therapies and several medications. 

I completely lost myself for nearly two years. I dreamt of death the way some dream of buying a new house, excitedly and with hope. 

Eventually, I crawled out of my black hole, feeling more like myself than I had in years. Finally, I felt that I was seeing the world with clear eyes and what I saw in the countless moms who surrounded me scared me. I saw a mom go into labor, hemorrhage on the operating table, nearly lose her life, only to stabilize and be sent home before hemorrhaging again. I saw another mom wander off to catch an uber in her nightgown and robe (in the middle of the day), dazed and confused and worried she may harm herself or her baby. Mom after mom after mom had some sort of emotional or physical scar (oftentimes both) or even an open wound left from their difficult transition into motherhood. 

My heart broke in a way I did not know possible. I felt desperate to help, but completely helpless at the same time. 

This is what I was meant to do and postpartum recovery allowed me to see that.

That’s when I had a big idea. I knew that as a new mom it can be difficult to impossible to get the help you need in the postpartum period. I knew that support groups could be incredibly healing but also extremely difficult to find or attend with an unpredictable newborn. I wanted to find a way to help moms in the intimate space of their homes, during baby care—not on top of baby care.

So I wrote a book. A simple yellow book called Motherhood is Big Enough. 

I designed the book specifically to support the baby’s developing brain and eyes while also supporting their language, cognitive and social skills. It can also help with postpartum bonding, while each page of the book feeds mom’s soul and reminds her that she is enough. 

Jennilyn Keinsley, the book’s illustrator and a fellow mom, resonated with my mission and we got to work developing the book. Instantly,I saw an overwhelming response to the message in the book with mom after mom crying and telling me how much they needed it. 

This little yellow book sparked a fire in me that pushed me to start a support company for moms, that includes a motherhood blog and podcast. 

 Since then, I have had hundreds of encounters with moms about their journeys. I listen and truly hear them. I feel every tear and every heartache. From one mom to another, I love them all. 

And, so, I have to say thank you. 

Thank you to my postpartum mental health struggles. 

Thank you to the pain. 

Thank you to the discomfort and confusion. 

The storm opened my eyes and showed me something I had never seen before: a group of our population who are creating the future generation and breaking themselves to do it. Moms are the strongest, bravest group of people I know and it is a group I am so proud to be a part of. I embrace the pain I went through because it has changed my entire life for the better and has set me on a path that is helping moms heal and feel loved and seen. It has also created a passion in me, a purpose that grows every day and makes me excited to wake up in the morning. This is what I was meant to do and postpartum recovery allowed me to see that.