To the mamas who just want to raise ‘good’ kids

Parents often seek coaching because they want guidance for specific issues and behaviors, from meltdowns to sibling rivalry to problem-solving adolescent drama and boundary-pushing. Some seek out coaching because they’d like to be better aligned at parenting with their spouse. 

As a parent educator and parenting coach who focuses on relationship-building and skill-building, more often what I hear from these loving and attentive parents is, “I just want to raise good kids! Help!” More specifically, they want to raise children who grow up to be happy, healthy, contributing to society in positive ways, gainfully employed and are capable of having strong and respectful relationships.

These are reasonable goals. Here are a few things I’ve learned (and recommend to the parents I work with) to help set your children up for success. 

How to set kids up for success

1. Protect your relationship with them

A strong relationship with your children will protect them and guide them throughout their lifetime. Your strong relationship will bring them back to you when they’re hurt, scared, angry, in danger, in trouble, or have made a mistake and need help. Knowing that they can trust you to be their safe place, that you will help them to problem-solve, and that you love spending time with them will ensure that no matter how bad it gets for them, they will always come to you. You will be their primary protection against—and support system for—depression, addiction, excessive risk-taking behaviors and unhealthy relationships, should they ever encounter these circumstances. 

I tell many of the parents I coach to spend time with their children and teens, doing things that they love; listen to them when they talk to you (even when the timing is inconvenient or the topic is uncomfortable); and take an interest in their friends and their lives. Love them through the eye-rolling, the door-slamming, the “I hate you and you don’t understand me at all!” stage and the awkwardness of them trying to figure out how to come back to you after they’ve said things they didn’t mean. Most importantly, when there’s a rupture in the relationship (which is inevitable, because we all lose our tempers or don’t handle things as well as we could have sometimes) apologize and make amends. Teach them that when YOU make a mistake you trust them to love you, because that will show them that when THEY make a mistake, they can trust you to love them, too.

 2. Set boundaries

Being their safe space doesn’t mean their lives are without consequences. Every choice they make in life will have an outcome—some positive, some negative—and it’s essential that they learn from a young age that they are responsible for being accountable when their choices or actions break rules or cause harm to others. Create fair, reasonable boundaries that are appropriate for their ages, developmental stages and capabilities. Then kindly but firmly hold those boundaries tightly—even when they’re angry. Be there to support them with empathy and patience while they feel the consequences of their choices, and problem-solve with them regarding how to make amends. But, please try not to rescue them from their responsibilities as humans—it is their job to be accountable for their own choices. 

 3. Make chores a part of their lives from a very young age

Including children and teens in the responsibilities and decisions of the household is how they can learn valuable life skills and how they’ll learn to organize, problem-solve and manage their time. And, it’s why they’ll feel like a valued, contributing member of the family, which has direct links to confidence and self-esteem. It sounds simple but giving them responsibility has profound, positive impacts for the whole family, especially as your children become teens and young adults. Knowing they’re needed brings meaning and purpose to young lives while they’re figuring out how they want to contribute to the world at large. 

And that’s it. If you were expecting a list of rules that needed to be followed perfectly in order to raise ‘good’ kids, I hope you’re not disappointed. Practicing these three things consistently throughout your child’s formative years can strengthen your relationships—and their skills—for years to come. And, if you haven’t been doing this so far, it’s never too late to start.